Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Sheila Heichel,Today is spiritually recharging, although you may feel a bit confused about what to do. Most importantly, do something that honors your own vision. It's time to entertain your wildest fantasies. Give yourself some room to express your dreams, even if only written in your journal or shared with an intimate friend.

Joey got up very early this morning and came looking for me crying, he needed changed and he need to be cuddled. So I changed him and snuggled him into bed with me to warm him up and let him know he was loved. As I lay there I wondered at what would happen once I am gone and I realized that that was not my worry. God will watch over him just as he watched over me when I was a small, hurting, lonely child. I set my resolve to stay strong in wanting my own life and my own dreams. I sent up a prayer for the courage and strength that I know I will need in the coming months and thanked God for sending me a dear friend to support me.
I do worry about Wendy as I know she isn't going to make this easy. There is a place here that will pay for her schooling, help her with housing and daycare, but, unlike Iowa NO one can live with her. So she isn't going to take that option. Why? Because how would she be able to study with the kids? The same way I did and so many others. So now she's talking about going to a different school where she will have to get pell grants and student loans. She'd live on state aid and she'd have to live with Shauna and Jeff. I have to wonder how she thinks everyone else has managed to have kids and go to school or have a career or both. The other option for her would make so much more sense but she won't do it because I can't live with her and be there to work and take care of her kids. That totally scares me!!!!
I can not....will not be there for her. She is going to have to stand up and be accountable for her kids and her own life. I spent alot of yesterday trying to pinpoint her on what she plans to do but all I got was the stall. So, Sis, any advice you give her would be great. I know that you have to be very delicate in urging her to get her life in order without counting on me to take care of her and her kids but anything would be greatly appreciated. But I'm staying strong in my decision either way. And so I will spend today sorting things in the storage building and marking my boxes. I am also going through all the boxes and having a garage sell to get rid of excess baggage that has not, is not and will not be used. I am going to stick to the six month rule. If it hasn't been used in six months and won't be used within the next six months then it is probably stuff that is not really needed. I am going to be a bit more lenient with my fabrics but even that will be gone through and if there is fabric there that I won't ever use in quilts I am going to donate it to the church so they can make it into quilts for the women's shelter and the homeless shelter. As I do this I am going to stack all my boxes together and toward's the front so that they can be gotten to easily. So the dance goes on......

Posted at 7:06 AM


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