Posted at 2:59 AM
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
The garden has been quiet and lonely this week. I know the owner is very busy with wedding plans, caring for children, and other things .... but I worry.
I hoped this time would be different, but I've seen the pattern repeat itself over and over, and I think it's starting again. Now that everyone is working, she will feel that she must stay and care for the grandchildren. She doesn't even realize that she is in danger of falling into the old rut.
The signs are subtle, but they are there. Her dreams will be pushed to the back burner, replaced by the every day hustle and bustle of her busy daily life. Alas, all I can do is watch from afar and pray that all will be well for her ..... ::sigh::
Posted at 9:04 AM
Monday, April 25, 2005
Boy am I happy that this weekend is over! Wendy is into her regular schedule which is from 10pm to 7am so she sleeps most of the day. Of course this leaves me here with all the kids, all the laundry and the house. This will all settle down but in the meantime it has been hard to be able to come to this spot of peace and I've missed it.
I am going to call about the land today and see what this place has to say so I'll be crossing my fingers. Then when Wendy gets up I'll buzz over and do a bit on the storage bldg.
Shauna is 22 today. Hope Will gets a good work schedule. Tell him congrats.
I missed you this weekend,,,,love you sis.
Posted at 7:07 AM
Friday, April 22, 2005
Sis, I listed your goals at the top of the right hand column (just below your lovely garden chair). I thought it might help seeing them in writing every day. When a task is completed, I can put the word DONE next to it. Let me know if you want any of them changed, or added to.
Love you tons!
Posted at 9:30 AM
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Sis, I'm so sorry I haven't posted comments the past few days. The trip to Iowa was very draining. But I think there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have to keep reminding myself that I've had far worse problems to deal with.
I can't wait to see you again , and share a cup of tea. Remember the night you visited me at work and we searched for tea and coffee pod web sites? I laughed so hard at some of the jokes we made. It was great fun! I miss those fun times!
Here's to all the future good times ahead !!! :)
Posted at 9:59 PM
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Overcoming Fear: Accepting, Claiming, and Heeding
The call has been there, whispering, scratching, and occasionally shouting and thumping an aggravated fist against the inside of the wooden box where I've kept it locked for years. I fear it. I fight it. Even as I know it's my salvation, I don't know how to claim it, how to do it.
I spent 20 years learning how to struggle, how to feel like a victim, and then I spent the next 26 perfecting what I'd learned, doing things the hard way and naturally reinforcements of this thought process occurred daily. My wise self keeps telling me that this isn't how it has to be, this worry about money, this fear of stepping outside the pattern I've learned so well. I read books about how others have escaped the yoke of rat race living, trying to absorb their strength through the ink and paper before me. I've gone to see a couple of these inspiring beings, hoping that by breathing the same air they were breathing and hearing their inspiring words it would give me the final nudge I needed to open this box I keep locked and unleash the flood of magnificence I know, I know, resides within. After this stimulating encounter I was walking two feet off the ground, sure I could join the ranks of the enlightened who live their calling and not only survive but thrive and prosper because of it. By the time I sit down to unlock the box I somehow doubt all over again, and I'm mired in the fear once more, feeling like I'm trying to run in waist high water.
All this doubt and fear (that I'm not good enough, that I can't survive financially) leaves my dreams locked in the box, scratching to get out. Maybe all this doubt means this isn't "it" for me, that I'm misreading my calling. For why would I live in fear of that which would set me free – the embracing of my gift, and sharing it with the universe? But why would I be blessed with this gift, this knowing, if I'm not meant to use it? Why am I so afraid of it? I search, I yearn, for the answer. Meanwhile my calling continues to whisper to me in an admonishment of pop slogan: just do it, Sheila. Just create. And create and create and create. Create as if your Life depends on it, because, you know, it does.
At long last I must push all my fears down and just "do it". I must do it for myself as well as for my daughters. I must break this VICTIM cycle for all our sakes. I can make it on my own. I can set my creative juices free and create beauty.
Posted at 6:59 AM
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Now I have to admit that among inventions, the "undo" button is right up there with the very greatest of all times, but it still doesn't compare to the "do" button.
Sheila, there's nothing you can't do. You can't fail if you but "try". The system works, and it's now your turn. There's a reason for this day and a method to the madness. You were once a creator, and thought you lost your touch. A giant, and thought you lost your way. A light, and thought you had burned out. Only now you're beginning to suspect that it was all just a dream you had thought was real.
Awaken, your royal highness. For while your awareness has waned, your strength has not, and your kingdom patiently waits.
Yes I was once a creator, a very creative one, and I still am all I have to do is "try".
Yes I did loose my way and now I must find my way back no matter the fear or the struggle that it will take. I will "do" it.
Yes I did think that I had burned out but somewhere a small breeze made that light flutter and I realized that the light is still there I just have to give it air to burn brightly.
The one thing I worry about the most is my strength but I am going to stay strong.
I love opening my mail and having wonder*filled messages from the Universe to remind me that I am a Goddess and that I am creative but most of all that I am strong.
I AM STRONG!!!!!!
Posted at 11:16 PM
I haven't had a chance to post anything in the last couple days as it seems like someone is always demanding my attention or watching to see who I'm chatting with or what I'm reading. Shauna had me go with her yesterday morning as she had to go to court. All went well and she is a single, white female once again. When we got home she laid down for awhile cuz she was tired,,,like I wasn't. But someone had to watch the kids,,,me. I was very frustrated when I got home as Wendy sat on the couch the whole dam time we were gone. None of the kids had had their diapers/pull-ups changed since they'd gotten up, she hadn't cleaned the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher, nor had any of the laundry been done. So I spent the rest of the day watching kids, cleaning, doing laundry and being pissed off.
I will be so happy when this trailer and land are settled. I got up this morning and went to the storage bldg for a bit. Wendy went along and as I was driving over there she popped up with an amazing "LOL" idea. She now wants me to move all of us up to MN with my land money and she will just go to school there. No way!!!!!! I almost bit my tongue off to not scream that at her. All I wanted to do was cry,,,,long and hard. She needs to start her schooling here because I really don't want her up there, at least not right away, she needs to learn to be on her own first.
Sis, you have all that mess in IA to deal with so I'm sorry for unloading all this. I love you and I appreciate that you are here for me. I don't want to ever forget to let you know that. I love you to the moon and back.
Posted at 2:13 PM
You there, sis? Haven't seen anything posted this week, and no emails either. Is everything okay?
I'm in Iowa, digging through mounds and mounds of papers. Your brother has already been calling, and asked if I wanted to go out motorcycle riding. I turned him down, and I could tell he was disappointed. Life is sad, sometimes.
Dad is doing well, but his finances are not so healthy. Met with Cyndy and hashed things over, then she brought Jeremy in and we both talked to him about things. It was a good talk, and I think it will improve things.
I'd better get back to work. I'll load up AIM and log on here, but won't actually be at the computer. Feel free to IM me. If I hear it dingaling, I'll come to the keyboard ;)
Posted at 9:02 AM
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Magic Fresh Start Broom
Gather up a broom with a long wooden handle (old or new), some art supplies that you are inspired to use (acrylic paints are a good idea), a few bits of ribbon and spread them out around you. Take a few moments to become quiet by closing your eyes and breathing deeply, circling your shoulders, stretching, releasing any tensions that you may be carrying around. When you feel ready, hold your broom in your hands. Visualize this cleaning implement as a magical tool of old…like the brooms that could fly and perform other enchanting feats in fairy stories. What does your magic broom look like? If you were going to name it, what would you call it? Take some time to get comfortable with the delicious possibilities and imagine how you would decorate your broom to capture some of this whimsy. Decorate your broom. As you play with designs, imagine you are filling this broom with magical properties. Maybe it is a wand, or a tool for sweeping out cobwebs, an ally to speed you away when you need a fast escape, or a visual reminder of the power of magic. When you are finished, say a simple blessing over your masterpiece. Take it in your hands and feel the power of this magical broom. Focus on anything you are ready to erase. Envision the changes you would like to see, imagine the steps you will take to accomplish these changes, all the while sweeping and chanting, with each stroke I erase the old and invite the new. When you are ready to stop, thank your broom and store it in a place that needs the sparkle of magic.
I found this neat idea and was thinking that it might be a neat idea to take some small pieces of paper and write on each piece, one thing that you would like to erase. Sprinkle these pieces on the floor all around you and then sweep them up into a dust pan and throw them out.
I'm ready for a fresh start in my life and I think I will be making my very own magic broom. I already can see it in my minds eye and it is quiet lovely.
Posted at 9:51 AM
Gather up all of those urgent requests, outrageous demands, and toxic messages you've been storing in your beautiful mind and deliver them back to their rightful owners. Ready? Get out a big suitcase and open it up. On slips of paper write down any mind-numbing messages you've been handed. You know exactly what it is. Squeeze them into the suitcase and close it, firmly securing the latches. Now comes the fun part. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position, close your eyes and relax. Using your imagination, walk with your suitcase to the home of the rightful owner. Pay attention to how you feel carrying this suitcase. Notice how heavy it is, how it hinders your body movement, how you have to negotiate the streets and sidewalks with care to accommodate this piece of luggage. When it is time, walk up to the person who handed you this unwanted gift, finding the perfect words to express what you are returning and why. This one works wonders for me: I've brought back your message that I don't deserve to be happy. I don't need it anymore. I think it belongs to you. Visualize them taking the baggage and hear them saying something like this: Thank you. I know what to do with this. As you walk away, focus your attention on how you feel without this bit of extra weight in your arms. Skip, run down the sidewalk, turn a cartwheel. Let all of the bullshit fall away. When you're tempted to pick up another suitcase, check the luggage tag.
I was reading this and I had to chuckle at the crazy thoughts that raced through my mind. Would a suitcase hold it all or would I need a trunk? I have carried so much baggage around that I sometimes wonder if that is not a contributing factor to my backaches. I think that people sometimes cause their own illnesses. Disease could be an infectous illness or perhaps it is actually Dis~ease. All the baggage that we carry around with us causes us to be not at ease with our lives. This in turn causes stress, depression and many other uncomfortable feelings which, if left untended could take on the form of a physical illness. When we are at ease in our life and not carrying the weight of the world we become happy which in turn heals the dis~ease in our lives.
I think that it is time for me to actually do this little exercise and give back to those who have so readily given to me. Let them carry this heavy load around for awhile. It is time for me to heal mind, body and soul. It is time for me to take stock of what I will allow and what I will not allow myself to carry around. What if I took some garden stones and a large gunny sack and a note pad and made a list of all the things that hurt me or hold me back, then for every item on that list I dropped a stone into the bag. Would I even be able to lift it off the ground, let alone carry it around all day? It is time to heal and let go of the past and take only myself into the next chapter of my life. I have the first half away so I am going to be selfish and keep the second half for me.
I will be sure to check the baggage tickets from here on out!!!!!!
Posted at 12:28 AM
Friday, April 15, 2005
A call to Tech Support ...
Tech Support: Yes, ... how can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?
Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running?
Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components ." What should I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Accept yourself before you can Accept others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.
Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
Customer: Thank you.
Posted at 8:10 AM
I am awakening from the deep sleep of my entire life! It feels confusing and unsettling. I don't know which way to go, what path to chose, or why I slept for so many years. I do know why I woke up, however. I woke up because no one was caring for me; I was caring for everyone else. And yet, I felt no love, no appreciation, no gratitude, no thanks. There was no gold watch of thankfulness headed my way. If you spend your life giving, there should be something in the emotional bank, but I found my account was empty. So, instead of filling everyone else's emotional coffers, I've decided to fill my own. It was a scary thought, a newly selfish thought; a thought I kept running away from, yet one I kept returning to. When I finally started to put some emotional coins into the bank, I got very negative feedback from the other accounts I had always filled up. Flashing signs telling me "no", almost ordering me to stop and return to the person I used to be or there would be dire consequences. I was afraid, yet I persevere, not knowing what will happen next, but needing to put that shaking foot out onto unsure pavement. I have always been the daughter, the wife, the mother, the neighbor, the employee. I am wonderful at all of these roles. However, I took it for granted that I would be appreciated in return. Wrong! People just get used to your being there for them. They never think of you in any other way. They never think you could want more from your life than serving these roles, and when you do, they resist that change. At first I felt fearful. Fearful of the unknown and of other's reactions; fearful of discovering myself and whatever talents I may possess. Fearful that I have no talents! If you try to fulfill your dreams with your gifts and fail, then your hopes gone, right? Not true! You simply explore something else! Or try it another way! These years of deep sleep have given me insight into myself and other people, however disappointed I may be with what I see. It's also put me into a lonely role; that of being my own best friend. The reality is I am the only person I can truly count on to take that unsure first step. That's frightening but also comforting, for who else would know exactly what I want and need? Oftentimes, I've said to myself that I should follow the good advice I give to my friends and be as kind to myself as I am to them. Today I choose follow that advice. I will list all my great qualities out loud to the universe, ask for wisdom and guidance and be open to it all; take quiet time for myself to listen to the birds or watch the river flow; take a nap without explanation or guilt. Truly live each day in the moment and, no matter how busy, finding some quiet, reflective time with no apologies. Even if I must take my car and drive away to find that peace, I will do it. Maybe with a peanut butter sandwich as I watch the river flow together and then go for a wonderful walk. I'll give the walk over to the universe; no reason for me to always be in control. Let my mind wander as well...and then, my nap in the car. Afterwards, a prayer to the universe thankful for this wonderful time of being by myself, ready now to head back to the reality of everyday life. Awakening from the deep sleep is to take time for yourself, to appreciate each day and all that is important to you; to map a life plan for yourself rather than just letting everyday life take you along. See nature's beauty around you, enjoy your own thoughts and imagination. Welcome and renew acquaintance with yourself. Acknowledge and enrich your own talents and see where that leads. Be positive and thoughtful with others and notice the change in them towards you. In awakening from the deep sleep, the world is new to me and I am new to the world. I can make a fresh start and let it be the way I want it to be. Peace. Happiness. Contentment. Adventure. Kindness. Creativity. Awakening from the deep sleep enables me to create a new internal and external world; the one I was meant to have, the one I so deserve. It is the real me; a shining star in the human universe.
I thank the universe for sending me the love and support of my dearest friend, my sister in spirit, my soul sister.
Posted at 12:43 AM
Thursday, April 14, 2005
I just came in from mowing the yard. While I was mowing I was day dreaming of another yard with many flower gardens and sitting areas. Perhaps one with a small table and a couple of chairs overlooking a bird feeding area with a lovely bird bath. I always loved watching the birds frolic in the bird bath as they were bathing,,,such a funny site to see.
I also thought of how lovely it would be to have a lovely butterfly/hummingbird garden area with a cozy place not far off that we could sit relax and watch the beauty of it all. I would be so peace*full to have a little water fountain so that the butterflies could flit here and there through the water.
But let us not forget the other wonders of gardening. Such as a wonder*filled herb garden just outside the door there on the side of the house by the kitchen. With a pretty little path winding it's way over to the vegetable garden. A garden filled with all the makings of a spring salad, tomato's for canning, and of course all the veggies it would take to make a delicious fall soup.
And then there is my specialty. A beautiful lavender garden with a flower "Bed" filled with lavender that one could actually lay down on and take a short afternoon nap. A place made just for dreaming.
One day, one day.......
Posted at 12:33 PM
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
You know, I have an AOL account that I've been planning to close out. It currently has the following names on it, three of which are yours, LOL!
1. AnAussieFan <-- Master, have to keep that one
2. WillingDragon <-- Was Wills, but he doesn't use, can be deleted
3. DavidandBert <-- was a relatives, but not use and can be deleted
4. EnsignMairiRose <-- yours
5. MysticalSeahorse <-- yours
6. SMHDragonfly7653 <-- yours
Anyway, maybe you should just take over this account once you move. In fact, you could use it anytime, as long as you are careful and don't let anyone see what name you are using. It would give you a secure email address to use for listing on applications, etc. Heck, if you'd like I could create a couple of new names on there for you ;)
Posted at 5:50 PM
Sheila Heichel,Today is spiritually recharging, although you may feel a bit confused about what to do. Most importantly, do something that honors your own vision. It's time to entertain your wildest fantasies. Give yourself some room to express your dreams, even if only written in your journal or shared with an intimate friend.
Joey got up very early this morning and came looking for me crying, he needed changed and he need to be cuddled. So I changed him and snuggled him into bed with me to warm him up and let him know he was loved. As I lay there I wondered at what would happen once I am gone and I realized that that was not my worry. God will watch over him just as he watched over me when I was a small, hurting, lonely child. I set my resolve to stay strong in wanting my own life and my own dreams. I sent up a prayer for the courage and strength that I know I will need in the coming months and thanked God for sending me a dear friend to support me.
I do worry about Wendy as I know she isn't going to make this easy. There is a place here that will pay for her schooling, help her with housing and daycare, but, unlike Iowa NO one can live with her. So she isn't going to take that option. Why? Because how would she be able to study with the kids? The same way I did and so many others. So now she's talking about going to a different school where she will have to get pell grants and student loans. She'd live on state aid and she'd have to live with Shauna and Jeff. I have to wonder how she thinks everyone else has managed to have kids and go to school or have a career or both. The other option for her would make so much more sense but she won't do it because I can't live with her and be there to work and take care of her kids. That totally scares me!!!!
I can not....will not be there for her. She is going to have to stand up and be accountable for her kids and her own life. I spent alot of yesterday trying to pinpoint her on what she plans to do but all I got was the stall. So, Sis, any advice you give her would be great. I know that you have to be very delicate in urging her to get her life in order without counting on me to take care of her and her kids but anything would be greatly appreciated. But I'm staying strong in my decision either way. And so I will spend today sorting things in the storage building and marking my boxes. I am also going through all the boxes and having a garage sell to get rid of excess baggage that has not, is not and will not be used. I am going to stick to the six month rule. If it hasn't been used in six months and won't be used within the next six months then it is probably stuff that is not really needed. I am going to be a bit more lenient with my fabrics but even that will be gone through and if there is fabric there that I won't ever use in quilts I am going to donate it to the church so they can make it into quilts for the women's shelter and the homeless shelter. As I do this I am going to stack all my boxes together and toward's the front so that they can be gotten to easily. So the dance goes on......
Posted at 7:06 AM
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
You are totally right, it is ALL about what I want. However, I do agree with you. I need to think about the future and at the same time I need to enoy getting there. I love the whole idea of becoming a CNA! I also think that I would be good at it. I think that I am good with people and I think it would be good for me.
I did however have the same thought as you when it comes to my love for interior design. I think that going and taking classes on different kinds of techniques at Home Depot or Menard's is just the ticket for me. We will decide what we want to do at Ken's and see what he likes and then I'll go take classes on those things and that way I'll be able to do them. And as you said, and one never knows, I can use them to do individual jobs on the side or later after retirement.
But for right now my biggest goal is to work on micromovements to get myself in order here to make that big life change and get myself up there. I did go over to the storage building today and worked on sorting things there. I will be going back tomorrow and getting some more work done again tomorrow. Every little baby step gets me one step closer. Go Me!!!!!
Posted at 11:45 PM
Another topic that was discussed was you taking interior design classes. She said you talk about that all the time. I'm sure you have discussed it, as it's been an interest of yours for a long time. But that doesn't mean it's the only avenue you may take.
At your age you have to consider your options a little more carefully than someone 20+ years younger. A younger person has time for career changes, a person our age needs to consider retirement, which is growing ever nearer. You must find something that you will not only enjoy, but which will provide you with some retirement income. Interior Design might be something you do on the side, but realistically you'd not have as good a chance of landing a job that gives you a good pension and medical benefits (both now and during retirement).
So you have to weigh your interests and options against what is best for you long term. CNA may be the better option - and I say may, as ultimately you have to make the decision - not ANY of us! You can always take classes in painting, repair, building, etc. You know - the kind they offer at Menards and the community college (usually free or very inexpensive). Those would allow you to aquire skills and eventually use them on the side.
You could start with projects on my house or Ken's house, and take before and after photos to create a porfolio. Then use that portfolio to hirie out for private individuals, or to market your services on a contract basis to places like Menards, Hancock Fabric, JC Penney, etc. Then it would be a fun creative way to bring in extra money thing, rather than having to rely on it for your sole income (and future retirement plan). Just a thought. All options should remain open. You have to make the choices for yourself. Not for your daughters, grandchildren, or friends. Just for you :)
Posted at 9:46 AM
Monday, April 11, 2005
I am certain that if this were calculated out they would owe me a healthy little sum. I also know that if Shauna had to pay daycare for all three boys that she'd have no income and would probably have to use some of Jeff's check to pay the daycare.
I also think that it is a good idea to write this down and show her in black and white. I did mention this online class to her and I'll talk to her more about it tomorrow since she is off tomorrow.
I also agree that when I get up there we should write something down on paper. Not just for us but for anyone else who might want to start something. But you do know how I am and I have to admit that I have a problem sitting idle. I think we will be fine. And as for Wendy thinking I would be able to sit at home for the rest of my life,,,,I can't stand sitting around here and I have these kids to keep me busy. So I want a job, even if it is part time. We'll work on that when the time comes. I can't wait till then. Here's to starting over for the last time.
Posted at 10:38 PM
See, I think anytime people live together, they need to agree on things -- in writing -- so it's not misunderstood. They think that because you don't have to work, and get a place to live and have your food, laundry facilities, etc provided, that you should repay them by baby-sitting. Yet you have paid all the back taxes, and you do all the laundry, dishes, housecleaning, etc.
What should be done is to put the value of things on paper. How much your portion of rent, food, utilities, laundry, etc, would cost if you had to pay them out of pocket. Then write down how much it would cost to hire baby-sitting, laundry and housework done. It's a real eye-opener when you actually write it down on paper. I could be wrong, but my guess is that they would owe you money.
That's what I suggested you and I do when you move here. Spell out what you will do and how much it's worth, then list how much rent and other living expenses are. Then you won't ever feel like you are a slave, and I won't feel like I'm supporting you, because it will be a fair trade, instead of something lopsided like you have right now.
Posted at 4:33 PM
Sheila Heichel,You have tapped into an intense well of feelings and are ready to tackle deep issues. You are in a position to learn something new about yourself, assuming that you have the courage to sink into your own emotional depths. Don't try to explain your current motives; others will just have to respect your need for space.
I get this sent to me daily and sometimes it is amazing how well it fits. I do have the courage to do this.
I am so excited about the prospect of taking this online class. And I can't wait to get the application filled out for that position you were telling me about sis. And you are right, I am still young enough to become a nurse. This is after all, my time to shine. It is a very exciting time for me. I know that I have to stay focused on taking micromovements toward dealing with old baggage so I'm going to make it a point to go spend time at the storage building sorting through everything and getting my stuff together. I can do this!!!!!!!
Posted at 6:16 AM
::sigh:: I could see this frieght train coming a long time ago. You do things because you can't say no. If you said no, you would be witholding love from your daughters, right? At least that is how you felt inside.
It isn't about witholding love from my daughters but about them not loving me. Which I'm sure stems from not being able to tell my dad no or risk him not loving me. But in either case I do need to get to the point that I can say no and take the risk. I am sure that my whole family knows that I can't or won't say no so they feel free to unload on me and I allow it. So what I need to do is work toward being able to say no and sticking to it. One micromovement at a time and I'll get there.
You are right about the working mother syndrome. I worked my whole life and had kids, alot of times I worked two jobs just as you do/have. I never did quiet understand that whole thing of using your kids as an excuse for not working or not being able to clean house or whatever. It's a matter of getting off your duff and doing what has to be done. Shauna just got home from work and I told her I was going to start putting in applications for jobs. She didn't say anything but I'm sure that when I start getting calls for interviews she'll have something to say. I will deal with that when it comes. I will have a job and a savings to be out of here when I put closure on MY issues. And when I sell this land that money will go with me. I've given enough to these kids and it's time I put some away for me. I know that it will not be easy but I am going to stick to my guns this time. I am not just hurting myself but my girls and my grandkids by continuing this cycle.
One micromovement after another!!!!!
...And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom ~ Anais Nin
Posted at 1:06 AM
Sunday, April 10, 2005
This morning was no different than most every morning. Everyone gets up and sits around watching TV or sitting out on the deck smoking. The house still has the effects of the tornado of the evening before. Clothes piled in the bathroom from bath time, folded laundry sitting in piles on the kitchen table and dirty dishes piled all over the counter tops.
I get up and start a load of laundry then I start doing the dishes, all while everyone else continues with what they are doing. The dishes get almost done and Shauna chirps up with "You know mom I could do those dishes." Of course she always waits till I'm just finishing them up. The key word here is I could not I did. Why bother to say anything if you have no intentions of helping?
Yesterday as she was getting ready to go to work Shauna wanted to know where her pants were and why I hadn't got them laundered. There not my clothes and they weren't in the laundry. I do all the laundry every day but I will not go from room to room collecting more work for me to do.
I'm sitting here suffering from a horrific headache while Wendy is in her room taking a nap and I am up with all the kids. I look around and I know there is something terribly wrong with this whole picture.
I should have a job so I can be saving money but instead I sit here watching everyone elses kids and picking up after everyone else. This has to stop so I am going Monday and putting in an application at Wal-Mart, Target and Home Depot and these girls will have to figure out a way to pay a sitter or they'll have to quit their job and take care of their own kids.
Do I have door mat written across my forehead because for some reason everyone thinks they can walk all over me and I should smile and say thanks.
Posted at 3:59 PM
Saturday, April 09, 2005
I have to finally put this to rest so I am writting to ask you some things and to let you know what and how I feel. First of all why, when I was a little girl and should have been playing with dolls and having tea parties with my teddy bears, weren't you there to watch over me and protect me? Where were you and with who? Because you were to busy with your own happiness I had to grow up scared of men, thinking that that was all that I was worth. I became a young woman thinking that all that men wanted was someone to take care of them and someone to have sex with. No little girl should have to grow up like that, feeling unloved and alone. Not only you were not there to protect my childhood but you weren't there for the fun things either, why? When we were learning to ice skate, roller skate, ride horses, water ski and so many other things dad was always the one there teaching us while you were off chasing Chester. If you were not happy with dad and wanted to be with another then you should have gotten a divorce and been with the one you loved, in doing so you would have been protecting us from the horrors of being molested over and over again. Did you not love us kids?
Also, now that we are grown up why is it that your never there for me but always there for Cheri? No matter what issue comes up you always take Cheri's side and give in to her demands, even at the expense of any of us other kids. Do you have any idea how much this hurts the rest of us or do you even care? When you nor Cheri wanted Leon you gave him to me to care for but the minute that Cheri decided she'd like to stay and home you had her come and take Leon not caring how that made me feel. Well I'm going to let you in on a secret,,,,every time you do these things it drives the stake in my heart deeper and deeper and now it's to the point that I'm not certain it can be pulled out. But, I'm to the point that I can't worry about any of this any longer. It consumes my time and energy when I should be living a creative succulent life, but no more. I'm going to do whatever I have to to heal and move on and have a life. A life that is lived for me,,,,without the emotional baggage that has held me back for so many years. It is time for me to spread my wings and soar and not worry about what any of you think about what I'm doing.
Then it was your time.....now it is my time!
Posted at 2:14 PM
Oh to be able to sit and chat without worrying about who's standing behind me reading over my shoulder. I was chatting with you, sis, and you said something about my garden and Wendy started questioning me about what garden and where it was. She's gotten into the habit of sitting right on the love seat beside the computer and reading my im's. Whatever happened to respecting ones privacy. I never sit by the computer when she is on here. I don't want to know what she's saying or whom she's saying it to. I don't want to have to deal with all that stress that I know I will go through when the girls find out I am moving away until it is a done deal. I can not make a move until I get this trailer mess straightened out, I tried that once and it has ended up costing me alot of money that I could have used in a better way. But I also don't want to feel like a naughty child that is doing something wrong and has to hide it. I'm not doing anything that I shouldn't have already done. I do blame some of that on myself as I have taught Wendy to be Codependent on me as I have been that way for most all my life. That cycle has got to be broken. I guess I need to dig out the book you got me and take it to the park and read it again,,,,really read it.
Posted at 12:20 AM
Friday, April 08, 2005
How is it possible to have put closure on all that happened with my dad and yet have such bitter feelings towards my mom and brother? It confuses me sometimes to think that I could feel such heart wrenching feelings where my mother is concerned. With Jim I am clear on how I feel. He, too, was a victim but at some point he came into the understanding of how very wrong this was yet he still wants to say he didn't know it was wrong. He knew, alright, he just didn't want to stop because by that time his hormones were raging. I can understand that, but, what I don't understand is that he don't seem to feel remorse over any of it. To him it happened and that is that.
With mom it is a whole other story as she was never there. She wasn't there to protect us, nor was she there to teach us the fun things in life or even the normal things in life. She says she worked all the time which is true she did work but not all the time. She worked a normal 8 hour a day job so where was she the rest of the time.
I know she messed around on my dad as I saw her with other men and of course there's Uncle Chester....Cheri's dad. Why were those men more important to her than being home with her kids, protecting them? And then after dad was gone it was like I was there because I had to be but she never seemed to have the time of day for me. Even now she never has much to do with me unless it benefits her. Her life is all about Cheri and her family. Whenever there is any issues she always takes the other persons side, even if I can prove in black and white that I am right. Does she hate me for her failures or does she see me as the other woman? Between her and my dad they did a really good job of making me understand that my place in life was as a door mat for the family and the world at large. So at 51 I'm still not able to say NO. I'm not able to say "I want" and stick to it. Because if I do then I won't be loved.
In my sane moments I know that my family would still love me but down deep inside I still fear that it is not so. The thing is I don't want to be a door mat anymore. What I want is a life of my own. One that isn't about me taking care of my grandchildren or my children. I love them but I have raised them and now I want some time for me.
I want to be free to "Live Out Loud" in a joyous celebration of life. I want to be free to let my creative side soar and make magic.
Is this so very much to ask for?
Posted at 8:27 AM
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Many years ago there was this small, innocent little girl who had no clue what life had in store for her but she did not get to stay innocent for very long. Her dad started coming into her room and touching her and making her touch him making her promise not to tell anyone. He would tell her that he loved her and that if she loved him she would not tell anyone about there "special" secret. He made it sound like an honor instead of the horrifying thing that it was. From there it only grew into all sorts of acts of sex. This continued to the point that she begged to be allowed to spend the night with her friends. Dreading the answer of her friends mother and holding her breath in hopes that she would say yes. Most of the time the dread "no" came instead and she knew that she would have to endure yet another sickening experience. Saying no was never an option then and today that same little girl still is afraid of that two letter word. No was love with held as a small child and that fear is still there to this day. How does one grow beyond that?
From these awful attacks came even worse nightmares. Her dad started giving her to his friends out on the rodeo circuit. And then her brother and cousins were eventually brought into the arena. Finally she told her mother what was going on and her dad was taken away but this nightmare did not end there as her brother was still there to contend with. Thank God for graduation and coming of age as this allowed this, now, young woman to move out on her own. Take all those years of scars with her.
Many years later her dad was in a house fire and was hospitalized so she decided that she needed to put closure on this part of her life so she went to the hospital and stayed there as he lay dying. During those long days she had a lot of time to think about the bigger picture of her childhood. Not just the bad things that he did but the good things as well. He was the one that was there teaching her to ice skate, roller skate, ride horses, water ski and oh so many other things. While she was sitting in ICU her dad woke up for a very short time,,,long enough to say "I'm sorry!" All of this while Bette Midler was singing "From A Distance" on the radio. She was so right because God had to be watching over her from a distance for her to have survived all this. I could say I forgive him, but, can I forget?
And where was her mother during all of this? That is the million dollar question that haunts her to this day......
Posted at 10:37 PM
Sis, you said to put these flowers up when I felt they belonged there. Well I think you need them now. Don't dispair. You'll find the courage to do what you must. Be sure to come here and click on those comments buttons, both in the garden and the wish jar. I always post something! (hopefully something that helps)
Posted at 8:06 PM
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
It's like everyone's given seeds that are capable of growing into the garden of their dreams, but no one's been told they even have them. Then, when they see their neighbor's garden growing, whether it's because their neighbor actually found their seeds or accidentally spilled them, there's a rush to see what's happening. In fact, whole industries are built around the buying, selling, and trading of other people's gardens. Agents are hired, sales teams assembled, and sometimes stocks and bonds are issued. Vendors compete, lawyers are hired, and accountants are sued. There are mergers and acquisitions, buyouts and takeovers, and of course, 401k's, company picnics, and vacation days.
Of course, there are also seeds that grow into private gardens. Seeds that will grow into best sellers. And seeds that will grow into happy families.
It's quite a riot, and often good fun, but Sheila, would you believe that one of the biggest impediments one has in discovering their own seeds, these days, is their fascination with the gardens of others?
I received this in my email today and as I was reading it I thought how much this fits me.(The Universe must know me well) I have spent my entire life tending the gardens of everyone else instead of tending my own garden. Now today I look around and I'm not that far from retirement age and here I sit with a very fallow garden. Is it to late??? NO!!!!!!!!
I always wanted to be the strong one, the needed one so that I could tell myself that I had survived my childhood in one piece. The reality is finally setting in and I am realizing that I am not the needed one but the needy one. And I know that it is time for me to get my garden tilled and planted if I am to have any kind of life at all. The hardest part is knowing where to start,,,or how to start. I guess the best place to start is from the beginning. The very thought of that scares me senseless. I'm not sure I want to go back and face all those demons, yet I know that I must.
Sis, I hope that this does not become to much for you as I know I will need your support more than ever before to get through. So I will say thank you in advance and I love you dearest friend.
Posted at 10:52 PM
Good morning, Sis!
I've enabled the comments feature on your page, so now I can write a comment and have it linked directly to the message I'm responding too. You'll see a little link at the bottom left corner of each of your posts. It will show how many comments there are. Click on it, and you can view them :)
Have a wonderfilled day!!!!!!!!!
Posted at 7:57 AM
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
My hope for this garden is to give me a place to release the inner turmoil that lives inside of me. I hope to plant seeds of growth that will lead me to bloom into a creative soul that won't allow others to walk over my soul. I'm not certain where this will lead but at least it is the beginning of a long awaited journey. I'm sure that there will be plenty of tears left here to water my garden and hopefully plenty of laughter to become the sunshine for my garden.
One of the first plant stakes I want to add to my garden is "abundance". I am going to work on manifesting abundance by making a wish jar of sorts.
The wish jar....Is a powerful receptacle for all the dreams and wishes in my life, especially those that I think are impossible.
Since I don't have a space that is sacred I have decided to plant my dreams and wishes here in my garden where they will get all that they need to grow without the worry of being trampled by everyone. I will think of things that might make my life more fulfilled, luscious, or spectacular. They may be big things, "I want a room where I am free to create magic" or small things, "I want a new book". I will plant these wishes here in my garden and watch them come true!
My first wishes to be planted here in this garden are:
1. I want to have the courage to grow up and move away from my kids. (guilt free)
2. I wish for financial abundance and prosperity. Not to become rich just to be able to do what I need to do. (for myself)
3. I want to be able to become whole and not be a door mat for the world.
These are only a few of my wishes....I'll plant more flowers as the days go by. My biggest wish is to get healthy in soul and have the strength to cut my apron strings and move back to MN where I was happy. Where I can laugh again, live again, where I can feel free to....."Live Out Loud!"
Thanks, sis, for giving me this wonder*full place to grow. With faith I will arrive.
"Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into."
I SHALL grow!!!!!!
Posted at 11:56 PM
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Turn bedroom into Magic Place :)
April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 September 2005 October 2005 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 May 2007 August 2007 June 2008 July 2008 September 2008 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 April 2010 June 2010 July 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 October 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012
Powered by Blogger