My Garden

Friday, April 15, 2005

I am awakening from the deep sleep of my entire life! It feels confusing and unsettling. I don't know which way to go, what path to chose, or why I slept for so many years. I do know why I woke up, however. I woke up because no one was caring for me; I was caring for everyone else. And yet, I felt no love, no appreciation, no gratitude, no thanks. There was no gold watch of thankfulness headed my way. If you spend your life giving, there should be something in the emotional bank, but I found my account was empty. So, instead of filling everyone else's emotional coffers, I've decided to fill my own. It was a scary thought, a newly selfish thought; a thought I kept running away from, yet one I kept returning to. When I finally started to put some emotional coins into the bank, I got very negative feedback from the other accounts I had always filled up. Flashing signs telling me "no", almost ordering me to stop and return to the person I used to be or there would be dire consequences. I was afraid, yet I persevere, not knowing what will happen next, but needing to put that shaking foot out onto unsure pavement. I have always been the daughter, the wife, the mother, the neighbor, the employee. I am wonderful at all of these roles. However, I took it for granted that I would be appreciated in return. Wrong! People just get used to your being there for them. They never think of you in any other way. They never think you could want more from your life than serving these roles, and when you do, they resist that change. At first I felt fearful. Fearful of the unknown and of other's reactions; fearful of discovering myself and whatever talents I may possess. Fearful that I have no talents! If you try to fulfill your dreams with your gifts and fail, then your hopes gone, right? Not true! You simply explore something else! Or try it another way! These years of deep sleep have given me insight into myself and other people, however disappointed I may be with what I see. It's also put me into a lonely role; that of being my own best friend. The reality is I am the only person I can truly count on to take that unsure first step. That's frightening but also comforting, for who else would know exactly what I want and need? Oftentimes, I've said to myself that I should follow the good advice I give to my friends and be as kind to myself as I am to them. Today I choose follow that advice. I will list all my great qualities out loud to the universe, ask for wisdom and guidance and be open to it all; take quiet time for myself to listen to the birds or watch the river flow; take a nap without explanation or guilt. Truly live each day in the moment and, no matter how busy, finding some quiet, reflective time with no apologies. Even if I must take my car and drive away to find that peace, I will do it. Maybe with a peanut butter sandwich as I watch the river flow together and then go for a wonderful walk. I'll give the walk over to the universe; no reason for me to always be in control. Let my mind wander as well...and then, my nap in the car. Afterwards, a prayer to the universe thankful for this wonderful time of being by myself, ready now to head back to the reality of everyday life. Awakening from the deep sleep is to take time for yourself, to appreciate each day and all that is important to you; to map a life plan for yourself rather than just letting everyday life take you along. See nature's beauty around you, enjoy your own thoughts and imagination. Welcome and renew acquaintance with yourself. Acknowledge and enrich your own talents and see where that leads. Be positive and thoughtful with others and notice the change in them towards you. In awakening from the deep sleep, the world is new to me and I am new to the world. I can make a fresh start and let it be the way I want it to be. Peace. Happiness. Contentment. Adventure. Kindness. Creativity. Awakening from the deep sleep enables me to create a new internal and external world; the one I was meant to have, the one I so deserve. It is the real me; a shining star in the human universe.
I thank the universe for sending me the love and support of my dearest friend, my sister in spirit, my soul sister.

Posted at 12:43 AM

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