Friday, April 08, 2005

How is it possible to have put closure on all that happened with my dad and yet have such bitter feelings towards my mom and brother? It confuses me sometimes to think that I could feel such heart wrenching feelings where my mother is concerned. With Jim I am clear on how I feel. He, too, was a victim but at some point he came into the understanding of how very wrong this was yet he still wants to say he didn't know it was wrong. He knew, alright, he just didn't want to stop because by that time his hormones were raging. I can understand that, but, what I don't understand is that he don't seem to feel remorse over any of it. To him it happened and that is that.
With mom it is a whole other story as she was never there. She wasn't there to protect us, nor was she there to teach us the fun things in life or even the normal things in life. She says she worked all the time which is true she did work but not all the time. She worked a normal 8 hour a day job so where was she the rest of the time.
I know she messed around on my dad as I saw her with other men and of course there's Uncle Chester....Cheri's dad. Why were those men more important to her than being home with her kids, protecting them? And then after dad was gone it was like I was there because I had to be but she never seemed to have the time of day for me. Even now she never has much to do with me unless it benefits her. Her life is all about Cheri and her family. Whenever there is any issues she always takes the other persons side, even if I can prove in black and white that I am right. Does she hate me for her failures or does she see me as the other woman? Between her and my dad they did a really good job of making me understand that my place in life was as a door mat for the family and the world at large. So at 51 I'm still not able to say NO. I'm not able to say "I want" and stick to it. Because if I do then I won't be loved.
In my sane moments I know that my family would still love me but down deep inside I still fear that it is not so. The thing is I don't want to be a door mat anymore. What I want is a life of my own. One that isn't about me taking care of my grandchildren or my children. I love them but I have raised them and now I want some time for me.
I want to be free to "Live Out Loud" in a joyous celebration of life. I want to be free to let my creative side soar and make magic.
Is this so very much to ask for?

Posted at 8:27 AM


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