Monday, April 11, 2005

::sigh:: I could see this frieght train coming a long time ago. You do things because you can't say no. If you said no, you would be witholding love from your daughters, right? At least that is how you felt inside.
It isn't about witholding love from my daughters but about them not loving me. Which I'm sure stems from not being able to tell my dad no or risk him not loving me. But in either case I do need to get to the point that I can say no and take the risk. I am sure that my whole family knows that I can't or won't say no so they feel free to unload on me and I allow it. So what I need to do is work toward being able to say no and sticking to it. One micromovement at a time and I'll get there.
You are right about the working mother syndrome. I worked my whole life and had kids, alot of times I worked two jobs just as you do/have. I never did quiet understand that whole thing of using your kids as an excuse for not working or not being able to clean house or whatever. It's a matter of getting off your duff and doing what has to be done. Shauna just got home from work and I told her I was going to start putting in applications for jobs. She didn't say anything but I'm sure that when I start getting calls for interviews she'll have something to say. I will deal with that when it comes. I will have a job and a savings to be out of here when I put closure on MY issues. And when I sell this land that money will go with me. I've given enough to these kids and it's time I put some away for me. I know that it will not be easy but I am going to stick to my guns this time. I am not just hurting myself but my girls and my grandkids by continuing this cycle.
One micromovement after another!!!!!
...And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom ~ Anais Nin

Posted at 1:06 AM


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