Thursday, April 07, 2005

Many years ago there was this small, innocent little girl who had no clue what life had in store for her but she did not get to stay innocent for very long. Her dad started coming into her room and touching her and making her touch him making her promise not to tell anyone. He would tell her that he loved her and that if she loved him she would not tell anyone about there "special" secret. He made it sound like an honor instead of the horrifying thing that it was. From there it only grew into all sorts of acts of sex. This continued to the point that she begged to be allowed to spend the night with her friends. Dreading the answer of her friends mother and holding her breath in hopes that she would say yes. Most of the time the dread "no" came instead and she knew that she would have to endure yet another sickening experience. Saying no was never an option then and today that same little girl still is afraid of that two letter word. No was love with held as a small child and that fear is still there to this day. How does one grow beyond that?
From these awful attacks came even worse nightmares. Her dad started giving her to his friends out on the rodeo circuit. And then her brother and cousins were eventually brought into the arena. Finally she told her mother what was going on and her dad was taken away but this nightmare did not end there as her brother was still there to contend with. Thank God for graduation and coming of age as this allowed this, now, young woman to move out on her own. Take all those years of scars with her.
Many years later her dad was in a house fire and was hospitalized so she decided that she needed to put closure on this part of her life so she went to the hospital and stayed there as he lay dying. During those long days she had a lot of time to think about the bigger picture of her childhood. Not just the bad things that he did but the good things as well. He was the one that was there teaching her to ice skate, roller skate, ride horses, water ski and oh so many other things. While she was sitting in ICU her dad woke up for a very short time,,,long enough to say "I'm sorry!" All of this while Bette Midler was singing "From A Distance" on the radio. She was so right because God had to be watching over her from a distance for her to have survived all this. I could say I forgive him, but, can I forget?
And where was her mother during all of this? That is the million dollar question that haunts her to this day......

Posted at 10:37 PM


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