Sunday, January 28, 2007

Photo 1: This is me at age 8ish
Photo 2: This was me at 17 when I graduated from high school Photo3: I was just starting on my real journey of discovery and was feeling blocked but was ready to be free Photo 4: This is me heading off to freedom Photo 5: This was about a year or so ago and although I'm still on a journey of discovery I'm making progress
My story....ok where to begin. I was raised in a family of 7 children and I grew up to become a doormat, which I am trying to work my way out of. So in order to work my way out of that I have to understand how I became a doormat. For as far back as I can remember, which was before I started school, my father molested me and my sister in one fashion or another. We were not allowed to say no but instead were expected to do as we were told no matter that we did not want to do it. But in those long ago days, as a child, I assumed that that was how everyone lived, they ate, slept, did chores, played, and did whatever disgusting things their fathers told them to do. Whenever I wanted anything, money for a movie, money for clothes, money for candy, money for soda, money for whatever it always came at a huge cost to me. Then when I was in seventh grade I got to start spending the night with girlfriends, one in particular, her name was Angie. I started noticing over time that she did not have to do all the things I had to so I ask her one night as we lay awake talking in her room and she was shocked, appalled, disgusted but most of all angry. The very next morning before school she marched me over to my house and made me tell my mom what was going on. When I came home that day my dad was gone, never to return. But children learn what they see and so my brother took over where my father left off until I got brave enough to say "NO" no more. But by this time the damage was done, I was a yes person, doormat, who would starve before I ask anyone for money or help as I was not prepared to pay the price.
God must have been right there with me because at a very early age I started reading any self help book I could get my hands on and in all this God did not allow me to become bitter but instead lead me down a path that would eventually allow me to put closure to this part of my life.
When I was 37 my father was living in IL and he had a house fire which was not severe in itself but because my father had
emphysema his lungs could not handle the smoke and he ended up in the hospital fighting for his life. Out of all of us children I was the only one to go to the hospital and I stayed there in the ICU waiting room for 2 weeks while he fought for his life. He died Dec. 11, 1990 to the song "From A Distance" by Bette Midler. In that two weeks he told me that he was sorry and I told him I would never forget what happened but that I forgave him and that he could let go and be at peace. That was my closure. Now I can look back at this and still feel the pain but I can also look at all the good things that he did with/for us kids. Things like teaching us to ride horses, ice skating, roller skating, water skiing and we spent most of our summers camping. So we did things as a normal family and I cannot lose sight of those things.
God continued to watch over me as I grew into a teenager. He bought my step dad into my life and he is a wonder*filled, amazing man. He's been an amazing grandfather to my children and a great-grandfather to my grandchildren. He's always been there for us no matter what our need. He taught us many things as we grew into young adults and he loved my mother always and still does to this day.
I grew up to be very creative and to have two lovely daughter and 6 beautiful grandchildren but most of all I still believe that God is right there beside me carrying me when I cannot walk alone and guiding me and strengthening me when I am able to walk on my own. But through all of this I am still a door mat afraid to say no for fear of......

I come from weeds that have attempted to strangle me. But still, I am here, I must strive towards the heavens....
For I am a bloom, a gift. A gift for us to hold here within our hearts so that we will not forget, as survivors, we are the most beautiful flowers of all. ~*~ Author unknown ~*~

I have worked hard to get where I am today and still I read any self-help book I can. But, all~in~all I am ok. I love sewing (quilting mostly), I enjoy scrapping, I love decorating houses, taking photos and just about anything creative. This creativity is a gift from God and I cherish this gift.
I am a survivor!!!


Posted at 1:26 PM


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